INTERPERSONAL ATTRACTION

Here are a few interesting facts on interpersonal attraction, according to Psychological research:

If a person is physically attractive, we expect them to have other positive characteristics.  This is called the ‘Halo Effect’
Features that are physically attractive represent youthfulness and good genetic quality
Women invest most in reproduction
Differential parental investment means that a woman most importantly wants a partner who has social and economic advantages
Thibaut and Kelley identified four stages in the development of a relationship: Sampling, bargaining, commitment and institutionalization
One reason that proximity may lead to relationship formation may be familiarity
The main point made by the repulsion hypothesis is that it is dissimilarity rather than similarity which determines whom we find attractive
Interpersonal attraction differs from relationship formation because interpersonal attraction is only concerned with the initial factors that enable a relationship to be formed
Research Studies into Relationship Maitenance

Dindia and Baxter (1987) examined how the strategies used by 50 married couples influenced marital satisfaction, reporting 49 different strategies ranging from the fairly trivial (e.g talking about each other’s day) through to strategies such as compliments and gifts.  Reminiscence was an effective way of strengthening a relationship.  Other strategies focussed on the importance of being pro-social, i.e. being especially nice and cheerful, and avoiding criticism of the other person.

The researchers found that couples had a wider variety of strategies for maintaining their relationship than they did for repairing it if it got into trouble.  They also discovered that the longer the relationship lasted, the fewer strategies were necessary to maintain it – possibly a result of a greater understanding of each other’s needs over time.

Do You Think You’re Not Good Enough?

Most people I coach all seem to have one thing in common – they think they’re not good enough.  But where does this stem from?  It seems that we can be our own harshest judge and critic.  What I get clients to do is to start by writing down a list of all of the things for which they criticise themselves.  I tell them to include small things as well as the more important things.  Typical things may include: ‘I’m shy’, ‘I’m too fat’, ‘I’m not very good at maths’, ‘I’m lazy’, ‘I’m not very clever’, etc….

I then get the client to look over their list, and ask them ‘Do you find yourself thinking things like ‘That’s just how I am’, ‘I’ve always been like that’, ‘I can’t help it’.  If they do, then there’s a clue that they are actually hanging onto ‘labels’ which may be preventing them from changing and developing their potential.

Many of these labels can usually be traced to something they learned in the past, and each time they use one of these statements, it’s as if they’re really saying, ‘…. and I intend to stay the same.  But how did they first get these labels?  There are two possibilities.  Firstly, someone else gave them to them, probably when they were children, either their parents, teachers, siblings, peers etc…  Examples of this may be ‘You take after your Auntie Catherine – she was no good at maths either’ or ‘She’s going to be shy, just like me’.  The poor client then ends up carrying around this label for the rest of their lives.

Secondly, another reason why a client may have become attached to a particular label is because it enables them to avoid risky, unpleasant or tedious activities.  Ironically, clients may use their labels to avoid facing the risks inherent in something they really want!

I get the client to think carefully about the labels they have identified, and to ask themselves if they’re just convenient ways of not having to face the time and trouble it would take to change.  I tell them to decide either to continue being this way, or to begin the work necessary for change.  I also tell them to notice any labels which they were given but which were never true, or are now out of date.  I then get them to re-write each item, prefacing each with one of the following: ‘I choose to ……’  ‘Until today I was …..’  ‘I used to label myself as…’

If you’re suffering from ‘I think I’m not good enough’ syndrome, try the above exercise, and notice how much better you will feel.

SEND YOUR INNER CRITIC ON HOLIDAY

Deep down we are all excessivly self-critical.

Even the most seemingly confident people have a well-developed ‘Inner Critic’.  The Inner Critic is that part of each of us which nags away and is never satisfied with our performance.

You can easily recognise its voice: it’s the one which tells you off all the time; the one that keeps saying that you are never good enough/clever enough/educated enough …..  to do or be anything of note in this world.  Learn to recognise this voice and ignore its nagging.  Love and value yourself instead.

JUST FACE THE MUSIC AND DANCE

‘Just face the music and dance’ is such a wondeful phrase.  It conjures up the image of risk-taking, decision making, accepting challenges and making things happen in a harmonious way.

Maybe you will have to learn to say ‘no’ more often; you might have to put up with some people not liking you or being envious of you, but always remember, whose life is this anyway?  Decide to be assertive.

Face the challenges that life brings in a positive way and dance to your own tune.  Dance and the world will dance with you.

JUST DO IT

What is it that you would most love to do but are afraid to do because of the consequences?

Name three things that you would love to do but that you are afraid to try.
Ask yourself what would be the best and worst possible outcomes of doing each of these three things.
Ask yourself, ‘What are my fears and anxieties?’  and write them down.
How realistic are your fears?  Usually fears are irrational and groundless; our longing by far outweighs the reality of the fear itself.

Go ahead – just do it!  You will feel fantastic.

Brain Gym

Computers can stress our system visually, auditorially, and physiologically.  The computer screen provides only one visual plane, limiting the use of binocular vision, depth perception and peripheral vision.  The constant hum of computers switches off our auditory skills and the electromagnetic field may negatively affect our energy systems.  If you’re stuck in front of a computer for any long periods of time, try the following ‘brain gym’ exercises:

Hook Ups (Good for stress)

Grade your stress levels from 1-10

Part 1:  Put your arms out in front of you with the backs of the hands facing.  Cross the wrists and interlace the fingers folding the arms into your chest.  Cross your ankles and place the tip of your tongue to the root of your mouth.  Sit and breathe for one minute.

Part 2:  Place your feet flat on the floor and connect the tips of the fingers and thumbs.  Keep the tongue to the roof of your mouth and breathe in this position for one minute.

Grade your stress levels from 1-10 now.

The Energiser

Notice your posture, focus, and energy levels.  Sit comfortable at a desk.  Lower your forehead to rest on the desk placing your hands under your shoulders – fingers pointing slightly inward.  As you inhale, experience your breath as a fountain of energy, lifting first your head, then your neck, then your shoulders and upper back – lifting to the ceiling.  Release and open the shoulders.  Exhale as you lower slowly back to the desk in reverse.  Back, shoulders, neck and head.  Notice your posture, focus, and energy levels now.

Stop comparison Shopping

When we are feeling low we often compare ourselves unfavourably with others.

We go ‘comparison shopping’ where we ‘buy into’ the concept of a comparative scale of self worth: I’m not as beautiful as … but I’m more beautiful than … or I’m not clever enough/good enough to do that.

Do you ever compare yourself with others?

Next time you start to compare yourself with someone else become aware of what you are doing and stop!

Say instead, I am good enough. You are a unique person. Make positive affirmations about yourself and your life will become a positive experience.

Believe That You Deserve The Best

If you don’t believe that you deserve the best then you will not allow good things into your life.

Do you think that you deserve to fulfil your dreams?
Do you deserve the best life can offer?
Do you believe you don’t deserve very much or, in fact, that you deserve nothing at all?
Closely examine your beliefs about what you think you deserve. Repeat this affirmation over and over:

I deserve the best in life:

Say it in the car, sing it in the shower. Believe that you desrve the best and you will get it!

The Five Elements in Chinese Philosophy

The yin and yang philosophy was further refined into the system of the five elements to gain a deeper understanding of how the body, mind and spirit work and acupuncture.

The microcosm of the body is linked to the universe and is affected by the daily and seasonal cycles of nature. (Think about the seasonal affective disorder which manifests itself in winter or when the light is not sufficient). The individual and the world are changing all the time. But Chinese believe that these changes are occurring in certain order and in cycles. (We can think about these like our economic cycles or agricultural cycles. A period of growth is always followed by a period of stagnation or unemployment. In the stock market, a bull market is always followed by a bear market etc.) In the same way, a seed planted in spring blooms in summer, seeds itself in late summer to autumn, dies in winter, and a new seed grows again in spring. It is part of a never-ending cycle and each phase has its role to play in maintaining the balance of nature. The same process of change occurs within the body. Cells grow and die to make way for new cells, and body systems depend upon each other in a similar way to the seasons, working together to ensure the balanced functioning of the body, mind and spirit and the healthy flow of life through the whole person.

 

Representation of The Five Elements  

 

 

Are you creating a perception gap?

If you answer ‘yes’ to any of the following questions, your inner ‘you’ doesn’t match the ‘you’ that others see.

1. Do you care what others think about you?  Are you paranoid you’ve created the wrong impression, obsessing about trivial details in conversations?  You may underestimate how others think of you.

2.  Do you feel exhausted after a day at work and short-tempered at home once you can let your guard down?  This is a sign of people pleasing; the effort of presenting a different ‘you’ is so tiring that, when you’re behind closed doors, the anger and resentment spills out.

3. Do you tidy up your house scupulously before anyone comes round?  This is a good way of judging how much you care about what others think of you.  How much do you care if people see your mess?

4. If someone says something negative about you, how much does it hurt?  If you’re secure, congruent and know who you are, a criticism won’t be wounding.  You’re more likely to feel, ‘This is part of being me.  If I can accept it, I hope others can, too.’

Delayed Decisions Freeze Fear in Place

Fear is the reason we delay taking an action.  We’re afraid we’re going to fail, or we’re afraid of the unknown.  The irony is that by delaying, we freeze the fear in place.  Permanent fear leads to a kind of chronic, emotional, psychological, and spiritual pain.

Let’s say you’re afraid of asking a man out to dinner because you’re worried he’ll turn you down.  As a result, you delay asking him, rationalising that the time isn’t right.  The longer you delay, the longer you will remain fearful of his rejection.  As long as the outcome is in doubt, you are still frightened.  That fear continues to lead you to delay, and since there’s no perfect time, you can keep on rationalising your inaction until he goes out with someone else.  Then you can shrug it off, say it wasn’t meant to be, and find someone else not to ask out to dinner.  By delaying, you’ve locked your fear in place.  It will be there to delay you the next time you meet someone and the time after that.

Only by taking the action and experiencing either success or failure can you get past this fear.  Stop waiting for the perfect time, it will never come.  Instead, realise that today is the best time to do anything.  This is the moment.  There’s no time like now, so take the action.  It may not always turn out positively, but at least you will put the fear behind you and be able to move on.

There’s a wonderful little story in the Talmud about a wise man walking in the countryside all by himself.  He rounds a bend in the trail and comes upon a pack of wild dogs.  Since he’s afraid of dogs …..  he immediately sits down among them.

One of the hidden points in that parable is that the wise man ‘immediately’ sits down among the dogs.  He doesn’t waste time worrying about what might happen or how things could turn out.  He realises every moment spent hesitating is another moment living in fear.  He doesn’t wait for the dogs to lie down to sleep, or to become distracted by a rabbit, or to start playing with one another.  He realises there’s no perfect time to take the action.  He knows the best time to take action is now.

Review: Laughter Yoga

On paper, it’s a match made in heaven; yoga and its health benefits, combined with laughter, which research suggests is good at aiding recovery and boosting well-being. But can being made to imitate a train and shout in a stranger’s face really be good for us? Emma Robertson found out when she experienced the worldwide phenomenon that is laughter yoga.

‘When did we grow up and get so serious? Kids laugh up to an amazing 400 times a day, but as adults our rib-tickling reflexes are lucky if they get any more than 18 pathetic daily doses of mirth. We need to cheer-up; especially as research not only shows happy people heal faster but that laughter can recharge health and turbo-boost well-being.

Yoga has become the trendy remedy of the decade since Madonna brought it to the attention of the masses. So, imagine the double-whammy benefits when gentle breathing and stretches are merged with the feel-good effects of belly laughter? Sounds like a winning combination. Time to cash-in my inner Little Miss Misery guts for a piece of side-splitting action, courtesy of laughter yoga.

Okay, so it might sound like yet another wacky health fad from Bonkersville, but the potency of laughter yoga is not to be sniffed at. In 1995 Dr Madan Kataria, a family physician from Mumbai, India, began the first ‘laughter club’ to further his fascination with the impressive science supporting the mind and body’s profit from laughter.

The internal hokey-kokey our bodies experience when we laugh is a great aerobic workout and is thought to stimulate the release of feel-good hormones. These beauties boost the immune system while reducing stress and tension. Our natural painkilling endorphins also increase with mirth, which supports the suggestion that laughter really is the best medicine.

Dr Kataria’s interest was further compounded by the book Anatomy of an Illness by Norman Cousins. This American journalist reversed his crippling spinal illness, ankylosing spondylitis, with a 10-minute daily session of hearty laughter. Simply put, he self-medicated with Marx Brothers’ films and Candid Camera re-runs which achieved the pain-relief a cocktail of codeine, sleeping pills and Aspirin could not.

What began as five people telling jokes in a park in India has snowballed into a worldwide phenomenon with 5,000 laughter groups now scattered around the globe. What’s more, even people who are challenged in the chuckle department can make the most of the Dr Kataria’s technique.

“Fake it, fake it till you make it,” goes the laughter motto. Either way the same happy hormones are released into our system because the human mind can’t distinguish between real and phoney laughter. And let’s face it, with sky-high stress levels and depressing news headlines, we grown-ups need all the help our laugh-o-meters can get.

Organise Your Environment

The space around you is often a strong indicator of what’s happening inside you.  A cluttered or disorganised home or office makes for just as much clutter and disorder in your mind.

To steer clear of the chaos and confusion, spend five minutes every day cleaning up or clearing out the easiest targets for clutter accumulation in your home or office.  Junk mail continue to pile up on the ktchen counter?  Miscellaneous items always end up on your night stand?  Now’s the time to clear the clutter.

Do Something for Someone Else

With so much thought consumed by personal matters, it can be easy to overlook the problems of others.  This not only keeps you from lending a hand to those in need but also from experiencing a sense  of contribution and connection only possible through doing something for someone else.

Host a blood or food drive, volunteer at the local library, or share the gift of literacy with those who can’t yet read.  Gather extra clothes or blankets and donate them to your local shelter or the Salvation Army.